kick in the gut

I have been so happy recently. Very stressed, but happy. I have been tight on money, and working a lot. For some reason though that didn't phase me. Today, I had a set back. Me and Russell got into an argument over money. Now that I am going active duty, I asked that he please give up the w/ dependents rate for BAH. It only seems right. I have matthew and all custodial rights, he will have matthew for a short time while I am deployed, but I will have him back. Matthew will reside with me Majority of the time. Not that he won't see his father, but he will reside with me 90% of the time.

He doesnt want to give up the money. Its too much to give up. WHY? He is a single man living in Iraq, he has very little bills! Well, he needs it becuase he is getting married. He is marrying the woman he cheated on me with. I want to not care. I dont ever want him back, but for some reason, it hurts. It really does. She is pretty horrible to him too. On again, off again. When he left he told me she didnt even BELIEVE in marriage. And now, they are engaged. I just feel so abandoned. I had finally stopped asking what was wrong with me, and today, all the questions came flooding back. ANYBODY but HER! I feel so betrayed. My distrust just multiplied ten-fold. I was doing so well, and he always finds a way to just knock me down. Just a few months ago he was telling me he pictured me naked still. WTF? REALLY? He is engaged to this girl and meanwhile he was thinking about me in the buff. Wow, writing this all out makes me realize what a great relationship I would of had if he would of stayed. The majority of the time he was "with" her, he was asking me for nudy pics and saying nasty things to me. Oh, and he doesn't think he should pay child support either. He wants to just "call it even." Sorry to "soil" his name, but this is the truth. If you dont want to look like a Douche bag, dont do things that is Douche bag worthy! Grow UP! This will be up probably about 24 hours before I realize how nasty it is, then I will delete it. I am so in shock. I can't wait till matthew is old enough to fly alone and I dont EVER have to see Russell's face again.

From WLC

Normally I wouldn't post stuff like this but...Its memorial day. I wrote this as my WLC essay. The topic was "what the NCO creed means to me." It was supposed to be written in Army writting style, but I suck at that. So I just decided to write and see what came out. I was surprised. The truth came out.

Here it is:

The Noncommissioned Officer's Creed to me, is an embodiment of what a Noncommissioned Officer should be. For my entire active duty army career, I thought I understood what it meant to be a Noncommissioned Officer. From the rank of Private to Specialist, I believed the role of a Noncommissioned Officer was to "tell lower enlisted what to do, and make more money." I actually was promoted to the rank of Sergeant, and exited active duty service before my mindset changed. Many events have led me to see the Noncommissioned Officer as something else: "the backbone of the army."

One incident in particular that shaped me was the death of a comrade. I remember Sergeant Trista Moretti as the Private First Class that I personally worked with and trained as a Specialist. When she made the rank of Sergeant, I was initially angry. I trained her, and she was promoted before me? I cordially congratulated her, but held a secret grudge. A year and a half later, I got the news that Sergeant Morretti was killed in action, in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom. This incident forced me to look at what being a Noncommissioned Officer really meant. By this time I had a family and was married to a Noncommissioned Officer who was deployed to Iraq.

SGT Morretti may have been a PFC I met her, but she became and will always be a Noncommissioned Officer. She strived to be tactically and technically proficient, she set the standard. I realized it was an honor that I was a part of her career. This brings to mind line one of the Noncommissioned Officers Creed, "No one is more professional than I." I interpert this as, "I am the standard." PFC Moretti exceeded expectations and excelled to the rank of Sergeant. I will strive to always excel and will motivate others to follow my example just as SGT Moretti and generations of Noncommissioned Officers have done before me, as to carry on the tradition.

I yearned to return to military service and fulfill my duties as a Noncommissioned Officer. I feel I am meant to lead and mentor soldiers. I often relect on all of the Noncommissioned in my career and what characteristics they possessed. I realized they all have different leadership styles, but each and every one of them are leaders. They are or were in a position of responsibility and respect. They were appointed to that position because they were trusted with the accomplishment of the mission and the welfare of their soldiers. I returned to military service with these characteristics in mind. Each day I wear the uniform, I consider a tribute to Sergeant Trista Moretti and no other document embodies her spirit than the The Creed of the Noncommissioned Officer.

----------end essay---------

I look back at the essay and I realize that a few of the details maynot be accurate, but that is the way I remembered it at that time. The thing that got me is I cried when I had to read it to the class. Like a REAL cry. I used to get teary eyed when I thought about her death, but as I read the essay out loud, I cried. I realized that it was not just something I was writting down to appease the cadre at WLC. I really did think about Trista everytime I wore the uniform. I never even knew her as an NCO, but I can imagine the kind of NCO she was. I continually think of what she would do if she was me. Trista was not the only NCO that influenced my life, My ex-husband, SGT Richens (now lt?), SSG Money, and SSG Terell were some that stick out in my mind. I remember Ann Baltz as a firey SFC, and I smile. I sometimes hate that I am addicted to this kind of life. But I am also proud of it. I know my life would be easier if I could get a nice little job where I stayed in one place and made more money. Or I could commission and get paid A LOT more for doing this. But I struggle with letting go of the NCO. I feel my life is more meaningful when I spend it directly working with soldiers and helping them. That would be lost if I commissioned. I have been meaning to share this since december, but today is as good as time as any.

Aaaanddd still vomiting.....

Tonite many random thoughts have gone through my mind let me share a few:

Why do people make a big deal over "giant cupcakes?" Last I checked those were just called "Cakes."

There are a lot of fatties fighting for the Rebellion. You NEVER see a fat storm trooper. But you see at least 6 X-wing pilots with their big butts barely fitting into the cockpit.

Why does "I'm old Gregg" replaying in my mind?

A vibrator disguised as lipstick is not a good idea in a house with children.

that is all.

New Vomit

I have built a shell. I feel it. I do not get butterflies in my midsection at the thought of a kiss. I can't even remember what that is like. I remember everything I ever did was to eventually find love. I have never felt so free. Not since I was a kid, anyway. Thank you to those silly boys for freeing me, and to Matthew. Without him, my life would be empty.

On a different subject: I decided to take pictures of myself sans make-up. Hair undone. Enjoy!

Memorial Day

This weekend so far has been both productive and relaxing. It started off with a night at the movies with my friend Ashley. We saw Price of Persia, which was okay...very Disney. I couldn't get past how everyone had a british accent in Persia...I guess a British accent is more believable than an American. I always have found it pretty funny that when the movies want to portray a different time in a far away land they all speak proper English. But I know, I am nit-picking. After a night of movies and driving in some unknown hood, I got to bed and slept in until - get this - 8AM! Wooohooo! Matthew has been waiting for me to take him to the Farmers' Market in Puyallup all week. He went to bed early while I was out and was a very good boy when I was gone. He was so excited that he woke up with a big smile on his face and asked "mommy, when can we get up and go to the Parmers mahkit?" He asked at 5am, so I told him in a little bit it is time to get up and we can get dressed and go. So he rolled over and went to bed (he was sleeping in my bed that night). At 8am he woke up eyes twinkling and smile from ear to ear - "Mommy can we go now?" I was groggy and I said, yes, just go get dressed, so I could just sleep in a few more minutes. He did. He came back in with his shirt buttoned lop-sided, but completely dressed. So I rolled out of bed and we headed out. It was misty and cold, but we braved it. We first went to a coffee shop where he indulged in a hot chocolate and I in an americano. We walked around a few hours and he got a balloon AND a balloon animal. He also got a soft pretzel from a german bakery stand.

I LOVE farmers' markets. I especially love the one in Downtown Puyallup. Its ALL local. Some of the markets around here consider local to include Oregon, but this one is for Washington state only. Most of the stands are very local, Puyallup and surrounding towns. It is also dog friendly, which is not easy to find. I don't have a dog right now, but I will hopefully soon.

The first stand we went to was a church selling locally roasted and flavored. Matthew got a free balloon and I got Orange Spice flavored coffee. It was okay. I drink coffee black most the time without flavor. But it was definately different and the church was working torwards a mission trip to Africa.

Next we went to my favorite dip mix stand. This place has these little powdered dip mixes that you mix with Sour Cream, Mayo and Lemon Juice. They are DELICIOUS! I always have them on hand incase I have some inpromptu entertaining to do. It is also great for marinades and pastas.

Speaking of Pasta, next was the Pacific Pasta company. Fresh made pastas, of all flavors. I was lucky, I got there in time to have a pick. Usually this place sells out quick. This time I bought the Smoked Paprika Fettacini. I usually buy these with no idea what to make them with. But luck would have it next to that stand was the Sheep Creamery Stand. Fresh Sheeps milk cheese in a variety of flavors. I bought Chipotle and tomato flavored and Orange Cumin. I instantly decided the smoked chipotle would be FABULOUS with the Smoked Paprika pasta...and it was. I mixed in some of my homemade BBQ Sauce and it was deeelish! I plan to use the Orange Cumin Cheese with some chilled cucumber soup. mmmmm......

A wonderful thing about washington is the local seafood. SALMON. If I felt the urge I could head down to a Salmon run and fish for my own. Luckily there are tons of stands at the farmers marke that already have local salmon. I got brown sugar and garlic smoked salmon. The stands there carry all kinds of local seafood; to include, razor clams, butter clams, mussels, oysters, crab and trout. I only wish matthew and I were not the only ones in the house who ate seafood. Matthew had some of the smoked salmon and instantly asked for more. I will one day get a nice mix of fresh seafood and make some pallea.

Cupcakes. There is always a cupcake stand. This time there were two! I went to the new one, and was pleasantly surprised on how good they were. I got 2 packages of mini cupcakes. One of Strawberry (made with fresh strawberries) topped with cream cheese frosting, and the other Raspberry Cheesecake (white cake with raspberry filling and cream cheese frosting). The raspberry ones were for my brother. Me and Matthew devoured the Strawberry ones. They were soooo moist and the frosting was perfect.

We finished off our trip with a bouquet of locally grown flowers. Matthew picked it out. Maroon Peonies and White Irises. It's beautiful.
I was really hoping he would pick that one. :) I took some of the extra green out, I am not one for the "fillers" that they use in the boquets, but I was so happy we got them. They smell wonderful and make my dining area bright and cheery. We finished our trip with a trip to the library where he picked out 5 books. All about insects, animals and birds. I can't say no to some education.

Today, Sunday, Matthew got up and decided to go number 2 in the toilet. We have been battling this problem for sometime. So when he actually decided to go, I was thrilled. I thought it would be the perfect time to spend his 50 dollar gift certificate he got from his Grandma and Grandpa Perry. So off to Toys R us we went. The first thing he did was insist on getting Uncle Danny and Krystal something. After we picked out some small things for them, he asked if he can get a toy. He is so cute. So he picked out an Iron Man figure and a car garage. He was sooo determined to get those two things. I also got him a pair of iron man headphones and a robot claw. Then I let him get something out one of those machines with the claw. He got four things out! He gave two of them away. He was soo proud of himself, and I was proud of him too. Now, I have to finish this blog, becuase someone wants to play cars. He has told me a few times already thank you and how much he loves me. I know as long as I have him, I will never feel lonely or unloved.

What I have been up too.

This blog will be more of an update. I have been SUPER busy. I have been offered an AGR slot at my current reserve unit. As soon as I get my promo orders, I can take the job! Woo hoo...or is it. I know the money and benefits are better than what I have right now, and I am excited about that, but the deciding factor for me, is I feel like I help people more. I will miss wearing my hair down, and wearing cute clothes. But I get a better feeling when I help one of my guys out. Not just stuff like here is a pencil...but helping them develop military career-wise, and since it is the reserves, alot of other aspects as well. I have found out we are deploying next year. I will let you all know in person about when that might happen. I am scared and excited at the same time. When I go AGR, I am going to be the PSG/Training NCO. The dynamics of the reserves are still new to me.

I have been training since the 12th of April, and I am excited to say that tomorrow is my last day of training. Then Monday, I go back to the civilian job. It has been hard on Matthew me working EVERYday...but it is almost over. That is another thing I will miss about civilian jobs though...time off.

Matthew is almost 4! He will be 4 years old on wedsday, and I am throwing him a Superhero party on Saturday. I really dont have a lot to update I guess. Matthew went to see his father in March while he was on R&R, and I think it was good for him. I missed him so much, but it was good for us both. My brother is going to school and working, he has done SOOO much since he got here. His gf, is trying...its a little harder for her to get into the swings of things, but she has still been a big help. Especially watching matthew when I always have to work.

Wow, I intended on updating on a lot more, but it turns out I am exhuasted. to be continued...

Running on empty

Divorced is a different world. I have found a lot of people who share that world. We seem to float around and then get pulled towards eachother. We get close enough to bump and float in the other direction. It is hard to identify with people who are not divorced now days. People checking in with their spouses, making plans for two...."I would love to go, but I have to check with..." It all seems so constricting. Sure, I know what most people would say: "One day you will find someone, and it won't seem like that." But I thought I found someone, and it was. "well, he wasn't the right one." Let me clarify. There is no Mr. or Mrs. RIGHT. There is only in Mr or Mrs In the Right Place at the Right Time. I don't believe in those fairy tales of destiny. I am not a big fan of romance. To me, romance is just smoke and mirrors. If you really want to make me happy, take out the trash, put the toilet seat down and don't sleep with other women. I however, dont know if I can return the favor of monogamy right now. I have about 4 crushes going at the moment. I could meet someone new and make it 5. Oh wait....it already is 5, I forgot about the young hot thing I saw today.

Here is what I do miss though. Matthew having a father. Being a single mom is pretty rough. I am constantly going. I am tired ALL the time. And I often think, EVEN if I wanted to meet a nice guy and settle down....could he handle this? This instant family? probably not. Do I want to worry about it? Nope. But I go to the soccer field and of course I am the only single mom. All the dads and moms are there together. And their kids are listening and doing what the coach says to do. Mine, kicks over cones.